It's no secret that life is short. We never know how long we have but everyone knows its not long enough. I've had depression for almost 4 years now. Thats a huge time period of time, almost a 6th of my life so far. I started thinking about what this illness has cost me?
My first thought went to where many humans minds wonder too, money. 4 years of medication and perscriptions. Doesnt ever seem that much when you buy antibiotics once a year for a throat infection. But regular perscriptions costs me aroun £120 a year. So thats £480 quid on medication ive spent and I aint finished adding to my tab. That is bloody ridiclious, I can only image how much is costs in America. Anyway thats just money right, doesnt mean that much. Then I started thining about how much effort I put into getting my perscriptions.
Doctors, GPS, Nurses, Psycological Specialists, Theropists, Psychosis Nurses and Pharmasists. . . I have spent hours, ney days with all these ppl. Doing tests, check ups, meetings blah blah. Yes loads of it has been worth it, im not trying to say its not. . . im just saying thats all time and energy im not getting back and waiting in skanky waiting rooms is my idea of fun.
I also think being mental can be like being drunk to an extend. I don;t know what im doing and I do a lot of stupid things. On bad trips ive broke things, purchased random things. both online and on angry trips to town. Oh ive also had to buy a lot of sorry presents for people. In fairness I always was good at buying sorry presents.
3 Days in hospital, that was fun. 3 days of lying around being pumped dry not really acheiving anything (except getting my life back).
Almost lost 27K by stuggling through uni. I mean im lucky cos I didn't, I passed with a 2:1 . . . . but it wasnt easy. Got stressed easy, found deadlines hard, concentration was low, I had a few extensions and stuff to help me but I can image a lot more people stuggling more than I did.
I think the point im trying to get accross is that we sacrafise a lot in the effort to get better. Is it worth it? Hell yes! But its just one of those things that makes a hard life harder. Looking back my list is rather pathetic, im sure if other people made a list there would be the loss of jobs, marraiges, loves ones, homes, family etc. Sometimes I dont think its fair what we are given to deal with. None the less we deal with it. And you know what I have respect for every single sufferer who has had to sacrafice things to get better. It is a sign of will power and strength.
Monday 5 March 2012
Thursday 23 February 2012
Working While Having Depression
I havent posted for a couple of weeks because I've been super busy at work and mega stressed. It waasn't until today when I was listning to the radio when this amazingly STUPID mental illness awareness advert came on. It went something like this. . .
Voice in "sane" persons head: O no theres susan, shes been off with depression for several weeks. What do I say to her? I could ask her how her kid is? But what happens if she then says our kids should have a play date and she cant cope and something happens to our kids. Maybe I should just ask her how she is.
'Sane' Person says: Hi Susan, how you doing?
Susan: Yeah im not too bad, have my ups and downs but generaly good. How about you.
'Sane' person: O yeah can't compain
Fin
Like WTF! Is that really what the British govenment think is the best way to solve depression in the work place? I mean, I think that advert is worse than people just being ignorant to it.
The difficulties I can see in the work place is that I don't want to tell people let alone discuss my mental health issues. Why? Well its obvious, I dont want people to think im not capable. Im a young professional trying to make a name myself, im working my ass off trying to get as much responsibility and expereince as I can. The last thing I want is people tip toeing around me.
However saying that sometimes I do need to take the odd day off to gather myself together, take afternoons off to go to the doctors etc. and I can see you some people will need weeks off if the have a mental breakdown or something simular.
This advert is a backwards step in my eyes. The campaign should do one of two things. 1. be focused on increaseing awareness - a general message of depression stats in work, let people know that they are not alone and that its okay to be depressed at work, it doesnt effect how you work and shouldnt be a taboo factor. 2. It should let people who are suffering at the work place where and how they can get support. Let them know there are doctors and therapists and general medical support there to help them get back on their feet.
This is such a tough topic as a lot of businesses are so cut throat, I guess this is why so many people have breakdowns at work. However this LAME attempt to tackle the issue is awful, just awful. This has made it more awkward for me to discuss my mental health in the office work place, even with my friends who are collegues.
People should know that if this is an issue they should talk to their doctor or therapist. They can be incredibly helpful and make sure you get the support you need in tellin gyour employer and how to get back on you feet and back to work as quickly as possible.
Rant over. . . . Stupid British Govenment #epicfail
Voice in "sane" persons head: O no theres susan, shes been off with depression for several weeks. What do I say to her? I could ask her how her kid is? But what happens if she then says our kids should have a play date and she cant cope and something happens to our kids. Maybe I should just ask her how she is.
'Sane' Person says: Hi Susan, how you doing?
Susan: Yeah im not too bad, have my ups and downs but generaly good. How about you.
'Sane' person: O yeah can't compain
Fin
Like WTF! Is that really what the British govenment think is the best way to solve depression in the work place? I mean, I think that advert is worse than people just being ignorant to it.
The difficulties I can see in the work place is that I don't want to tell people let alone discuss my mental health issues. Why? Well its obvious, I dont want people to think im not capable. Im a young professional trying to make a name myself, im working my ass off trying to get as much responsibility and expereince as I can. The last thing I want is people tip toeing around me.
However saying that sometimes I do need to take the odd day off to gather myself together, take afternoons off to go to the doctors etc. and I can see you some people will need weeks off if the have a mental breakdown or something simular.
This advert is a backwards step in my eyes. The campaign should do one of two things. 1. be focused on increaseing awareness - a general message of depression stats in work, let people know that they are not alone and that its okay to be depressed at work, it doesnt effect how you work and shouldnt be a taboo factor. 2. It should let people who are suffering at the work place where and how they can get support. Let them know there are doctors and therapists and general medical support there to help them get back on their feet.
This is such a tough topic as a lot of businesses are so cut throat, I guess this is why so many people have breakdowns at work. However this LAME attempt to tackle the issue is awful, just awful. This has made it more awkward for me to discuss my mental health in the office work place, even with my friends who are collegues.
People should know that if this is an issue they should talk to their doctor or therapist. They can be incredibly helpful and make sure you get the support you need in tellin gyour employer and how to get back on you feet and back to work as quickly as possible.
Rant over. . . . Stupid British Govenment #epicfail
Monday 23 January 2012
Depression Killed My Sex Life !
Thats right I said it!
Almost three years with psychotic depression, you can fingure the rest out! To be perfectly honest for the mass majority of the time I havent really wanted to have sex. Firstly because I was concentrating on more important things. . . like not dying. Secondly because the drugs I'm on literaly kill your sex drive. However almost three years down the line and ive started thinking about dating again.
In the last two weeks I have started dating someone. For the first date I had all the normal nervs about, will they like me, do I look good? what to wear and where to go! It went awsome by the way, cos I know you wanted to ask. However on the second date we really started talking and getting to know each other. Not that we didnt on the first date, but the first date was more like your favourite film and music taste. The second date was like family and love history and stuff.
I was constatly thinking, do I tell them that I have a mental illness? Like how will they react, some people are really cool and then share something very personal about them. Others get really freaked out (I blame it on the public ignorance of depression).
I came to the conclusion that it was only the second date. Hopefully there will be more time to open up about sensitive issues, and idealy not in a restaurant. However this was an epic fail. After the dinner we came back to my house. This is because my parents were out and I basically never get the place to myself to chill with firneds (or dates).
As you do, we were just mucking about and being silly. My date then got ontop my laptop and we were looking at silly videos and stuff. However my internet history then decided to get revenge on me. No not porn. . . you are disgusting for coming to such a conclusion. No, it was actually this darn blog that I love so much. On my drop down menu this blog is described by its title, "Psychotic Depression of A Student Blog" . . . . . can't really argue with it. Says what it is!
I have never seen such a moment killer. They didnt say anything, they just kind of stopped dead. Like not even subtle, just laughing their head off and then dead scilence. I panicked and instead of explaining myself which probably would have been the best thing to do. I just ignored it and pretended it didnt happen and carried on searching for things on the laptop.
I have not heard from said date yet since saturday! Damn you psychotic depression, you just keep on finding ways to fuck me over! O well, a lesson has been learnt. . . . maybe. . . . delete browsing histroy :p.
No im joking, hopefully in the future I will be able to be honest and disguss these things with people and not make too much of a big deal out of it. . . . . maybe lolz! :(
Almost three years with psychotic depression, you can fingure the rest out! To be perfectly honest for the mass majority of the time I havent really wanted to have sex. Firstly because I was concentrating on more important things. . . like not dying. Secondly because the drugs I'm on literaly kill your sex drive. However almost three years down the line and ive started thinking about dating again.
In the last two weeks I have started dating someone. For the first date I had all the normal nervs about, will they like me, do I look good? what to wear and where to go! It went awsome by the way, cos I know you wanted to ask. However on the second date we really started talking and getting to know each other. Not that we didnt on the first date, but the first date was more like your favourite film and music taste. The second date was like family and love history and stuff.
I was constatly thinking, do I tell them that I have a mental illness? Like how will they react, some people are really cool and then share something very personal about them. Others get really freaked out (I blame it on the public ignorance of depression).
I came to the conclusion that it was only the second date. Hopefully there will be more time to open up about sensitive issues, and idealy not in a restaurant. However this was an epic fail. After the dinner we came back to my house. This is because my parents were out and I basically never get the place to myself to chill with firneds (or dates).
As you do, we were just mucking about and being silly. My date then got ontop my laptop and we were looking at silly videos and stuff. However my internet history then decided to get revenge on me. No not porn. . . you are disgusting for coming to such a conclusion. No, it was actually this darn blog that I love so much. On my drop down menu this blog is described by its title, "Psychotic Depression of A Student Blog" . . . . . can't really argue with it. Says what it is!
I have never seen such a moment killer. They didnt say anything, they just kind of stopped dead. Like not even subtle, just laughing their head off and then dead scilence. I panicked and instead of explaining myself which probably would have been the best thing to do. I just ignored it and pretended it didnt happen and carried on searching for things on the laptop.
I have not heard from said date yet since saturday! Damn you psychotic depression, you just keep on finding ways to fuck me over! O well, a lesson has been learnt. . . . maybe. . . . delete browsing histroy :p.
No im joking, hopefully in the future I will be able to be honest and disguss these things with people and not make too much of a big deal out of it. . . . . maybe lolz! :(
Sunday 15 January 2012
An Insight to Doctors Knowledge of Psychotic Depression
So this New Years Eve I was chatting to a very good friend of mine who is training in medicine at university to become a doctor. Even with my friends I never explain all my experiences or what happend to me or what psychotic depression is. However after a few drinks he got the nerve to actually ask me some questions about it. I was pretty shocked about his lack of knowledge of the subject.
I tried telling him some of the basic details of what had happened, how I discovered it and what sort of symptoms I suffered from. As a friend he was obviously concerned, but what struck me most was the guilt that he then felt. After doing my best to explain real paranoia, delusions and mood swings it was weird to see that as a "doctor" in training he wished he knew more about it so he could help. He had known I had the mental illness for well over a year but obviously didnt know much about it like most people. However felt as a doctor he should of.
This then made me think, if doctors in training are losing there awareness of mental illnesses, what hope is there that the doctors we encounter, who were trained years ago knowing what they are doing. I mean I am used to the public being unaware and ignorant to mental illnesses, there was that sucky advert that tried to spread awarness but it was more cringe than informing.
I always had major paranoia over what doctors though of me, I always thought they were bullshitting me and giving my shit loads of placebos. Obviously that's a dangerous position to be in as it could of caused me to stop taking medicine or stop going to appointments.
I am thinking that more needs to be done in informing the public and even training professionals of mental illnesses. This is partly the reason I try and share my expreiences. Most acedemics will tell you that knowledge is power. I beleive it is the same with this illness. The more you / friends / public know about it, the less "taboo" it will become and the less not talked about. I stay annonymous and dont tell many people of it mainly cos I dont know how they will react. Im proud of who I am now and I live with psychotic depression but that shouldnt influence peoples opinion of me.
Do you ever think that you doctor isnt filling you with confidence or wish the common person was more aware of mental illnesses?
I tried telling him some of the basic details of what had happened, how I discovered it and what sort of symptoms I suffered from. As a friend he was obviously concerned, but what struck me most was the guilt that he then felt. After doing my best to explain real paranoia, delusions and mood swings it was weird to see that as a "doctor" in training he wished he knew more about it so he could help. He had known I had the mental illness for well over a year but obviously didnt know much about it like most people. However felt as a doctor he should of.
This then made me think, if doctors in training are losing there awareness of mental illnesses, what hope is there that the doctors we encounter, who were trained years ago knowing what they are doing. I mean I am used to the public being unaware and ignorant to mental illnesses, there was that sucky advert that tried to spread awarness but it was more cringe than informing.
I always had major paranoia over what doctors though of me, I always thought they were bullshitting me and giving my shit loads of placebos. Obviously that's a dangerous position to be in as it could of caused me to stop taking medicine or stop going to appointments.
I am thinking that more needs to be done in informing the public and even training professionals of mental illnesses. This is partly the reason I try and share my expreiences. Most acedemics will tell you that knowledge is power. I beleive it is the same with this illness. The more you / friends / public know about it, the less "taboo" it will become and the less not talked about. I stay annonymous and dont tell many people of it mainly cos I dont know how they will react. Im proud of who I am now and I live with psychotic depression but that shouldnt influence peoples opinion of me.
Do you ever think that you doctor isnt filling you with confidence or wish the common person was more aware of mental illnesses?
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